Complications in the Process

>> Wednesday, January 5, 2011

On October 22nd she came bursting into our lives amid the sounds of ships on River Street. That call was followed by an email with a picture attached. We named her Mae that night and I began praying that we would be able to bring her home quickly and that she would know Jesus. As of Monday afternoon things have changed. Those prayers I thought I was praying for my daughter may turn out to have been for a little girl in Ethiopia who I will never know. There are complications in her situation that at best may draw out this process for months and even years and at worst may have rendered her unadoptable.

The choice is ours whether to continue in this process in light of this new information or to ask for another referral. The cold hard facts seem to make for a clear choice. Since I do not buy into the ridiculousness that is the old heart and head distinction (Don't think, feel!...ugh) I would expect to be struggling with this less than I am. And yet the truth is that we have become very attached to the little baby in those pictures and, even though we don’t know her, she feels like she is ours. It feels like we are abandoning her.

We’ve prayed, talked, and sought counsel for two days and we know that we need to ask the agency to move us back in line for another referral. If this little baby never comes to live in my house then I am certain that my prayers for her have not been in vain. I am a strong believer in the providence of God and we will be certain that the child who calls me Dad will be exactly the one he has for me. There were no mistakes in the process.

I have been reading Psalm 119 over and over again for months:

It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I may learn from your statutes.” (119:71)

I know, O Lord, that your judgments are righteous, and that in faithfulness you have afflicted me.” (119:75)

I’m so challenged by these verses and have thought often that I want to be the person who remembers to thank God in the bad times as well as the good. And I don’t want it to be just the right words. I want it to be heartfelt trust that these circumstances will truly lead to His glory and my good. Well, here’s my chance. And I do trust that God is good and does good (119:68). We don’t know why this adoption took this turn but we know it was no accident.

7 comments:

bean January 5, 2011 at 3:30 PM  

Oh, I am so sorry! :( But I understand too. We went through a few weeks of even having Kiki here with us and not being sure she was ours. Very hard. We'll pray for God's will to be clear!

Tony Pagliarullo January 5, 2011 at 4:53 PM  

Praying for you guys! Your last paragraph is powerful...something all believers, especially me need to be reminded of often. We need to get lunch together soon.

Debb January 6, 2011 at 9:22 AM  

Praying for you and your family, including that precious little girl. You are not abandoning her, nor is our Heavenly Father. His ways are not always our ways, but bless your hearts for seeking His will, obeying......and trusting. God will provide for you and your family as well as for this little daughter of His. May your referral come quickly and may the CD and ED swiftly follow! Thank you for allowing your story to witness to me.......

amy smith January 6, 2011 at 10:40 AM  

oh how i know this pain.
our adoption journey to bosena began out of heartbreak in sierra leone..
although we will never know our daughter alima here on this earth, i am convinced that she was ours, if only briefly, for a purpose.
praying for you friend.

Stacey January 10, 2011 at 9:41 PM  

i prayed for you and your family ALOT this weekend. you all were on my mind so much! hope you had a nice weekend!!

Stacey January 19, 2011 at 10:27 PM  

just thinking and praying for you all today! hope you are having a good week... the snow you all are getting (right?) :)

Anonymous February 21, 2011 at 12:41 PM  

I can so relate to your pain. Evan a "paper misscarriage" is painful and especially so when you have already begun to "know" this child. When we are in pain we know God is working to shape us into who He wants us to be. It is interesting that you say you do not buy into the ridiculousness of feeling over thinking. Perhaps feeling is exactly what He wants you to do. Ask yourselves, Where have we used thinking over feeling? How can our pain help us to relate with greater compassion to others in similiar situations? Clearly He is doing great things in you. Blessings.

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